Good day, world! It has been a while but I'm back.
Life has been rough. A constant battle of two steps forward and one step back but the progress keeps me motivated, gives me hope. We are doing this. Pulling the bandaid off the wounds, looking long and hard at the things we've been trying to hide and letting the healing beginning.
More and more I'm realizing how much God must love me.
I have struggled so much through my life trying so hard to be loved. I have loving, amazing parents but something within me kept me craving more. For years I went about seeking proof of my value in attention, in acceptance, from my peers. And I have been hurt, emotionally, physically and mentally. I've been taken advantage of. Used. Degraded.
I was raped. Only one of my friends at the time knew it had happened and that is only because she was there when it took place. It took me years to tell anyone else because I truly believed I asked for it. I'm only just beginning to let myself free of that guilt.
I have tried many things to try and relieve myself of the pain in my heart and mind. Pain over the rape, over unfaithfulness, over rejection. I have done many things I am not proud of. I have cut up my arms. Drank myself into oblivion more times than I can count. Tried taking my life.
And I am not writing any of this for pity. This is not a sob story.
This is a story of joy!
Because there was one person that could fulfill that desire for love in me. My God sought me out. He picked me up, wrapped me in His strong, comforting arms and showed me the love I have always craved. It took me 29 years to get this.
I write this for all the people out there seeking that attention. For my own children. Because I know how it feels. I know what it's like to feel my value lies in what others think of me. That my worth is wrapped up in how good I look or how sexy I dress, how well I fit in, how many friends I have. Those are lies.
Only God decides my worth and He thinks I am so very precious that He sent His very own son to die for me. And He thinks the same about you!
I pray that my children get this early. That they grasp their value far sooner than I did but I am so grateful I grasp it now!
This is a story of joy! And I will praise the Lord for His love!
