True love.

I  have been thinking a lot about love lately. Love in friendship, in marriage, in parenting. Love for those we don't even know.

 Love is awesome.  It is beautiful.  It is something every single one of us needs although some can't or won't admit it.  To show love is a choice. Sometimes a very difficult choice and sometimes the opposite of how we feel.

 It is what we as Christians are called to do.  We have been called to love others more than ourselves.  To love others the  way we want to be loved.  We are also called to love ALL.  Yes,  that means not  just our families or people of our own race or people we find pleasant  or people that are like us.  That means people that are rude,  poor,  struggling,  different,  man,  woman,  child.  The list goes on. And that my friends,  is no easy feat  because we weren't called to love  to receive anything in return.  We weren't called to love because someone is nice to us or fulfills some deep desire within ourselves.  We are called to love no. matter. what. And it is a choice.

 In today's world we are taught to believe that we only do what  benefits ourselves.  You get married and promise forever  but really you only stay as long as you are fulfilled.  You stay friends with someone as long as they can  fill some gap in your life  but as soon as they have nothing to offer you,  you drop them like a hot potato.  And that is NOT the way of true love.

 True love gives until it hurts. It  says "I know right now there is nothing you can give me emotionally or physically  but I chose to love you anyway".  True love grows from  the personal experience of  God's love.  There is no love on this earth like His love for us. I don't know many people who  love those who hate them so much that they deny their existence or even want to murder them,  do you?

 You see,  anger,  hate,  bitterness and grudge holding,  they are easy.  You don't have to  think too much about those.  They are in our nature. Choosing love,  kindness,  forgiveness
and joy, they are a sign of true strength and wisdom because they take work.

 Honestly,  when you choose to love,  there will be many,  MANY  times when you receive nothing except the satisfaction of knowing you are doing the right thing. But it will change lives,  including your own.

 Lately, I have had to put these very things into practice  and it is something I will never perfect on this earth but want to work hard at every day for the rest of my life. And although I have not reaped any physical benefits from it  and in many cases never will, I have a peace and joy from it.  I want to live a life of love  because I have the knowledge that anything I do without love amounts to nothing.  And more importantly because there is  Someone that I hurt all the time through my choices that continues to love me more than I could ever know and I am so thankful for His love.


1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. (NIV)

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails ... (NIV)

Story of Joy!

 Good day, world! It has been a while but I'm back.

 Life has been rough. A constant battle of two steps forward and one step back but the progress keeps me motivated, gives me hope. We are doing this.  Pulling the bandaid off the wounds,  looking long and hard at the things we've been trying to hide and letting the healing beginning.

 More and more I'm realizing how much God must love me.

I have struggled so much through my life trying so hard to be loved. I have loving, amazing parents  but  something within me kept me craving  more.  For years I went about seeking proof of my value in attention,  in acceptance,  from my peers. And I have been hurt,  emotionally,  physically and mentally. I've been taken advantage of.  Used.  Degraded.

I was raped.  Only one of my friends at the time knew it had happened and that is only because she was there when it took place.   It took me years to tell anyone else because I  truly believed I asked for it.  I'm only just beginning to let myself free of that guilt.

I  have tried many things to try and relieve myself of the pain in my heart and mind.  Pain  over the rape,  over unfaithfulness,  over rejection. I have done many things I am not proud of. I have cut up my arms.  Drank myself into oblivion  more times than I can count.  Tried taking my life.

And I am not writing any of this for pity.  This is not a sob story.

 This is a story of joy!

  Because there was one person that could fulfill that desire for love in me. My God sought me out. He  picked me up, wrapped me in His strong,  comforting arms  and  showed me the love I have always craved. It took me 29 years to get this.

I write this for all the people out there seeking that attention.  For my own children. Because I know how it feels. I know what it's like to feel my value lies in what others think of me. That my worth is wrapped up in how good I look or how sexy I dress,  how well I fit in,  how many friends I have. Those are lies.

 Only God decides my worth and He thinks I am so very precious that He sent His very own son to die for me. And He thinks the same about you!

I pray that my children get this early. That they grasp their value far sooner than I did but I  am so grateful I grasp it now!

 This is a story of joy!  And I will praise the Lord for His love!

"To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 As much as I like to try and stay positive, if I'm being honest, this last week has been tough. Really tough.  Probably one of the toughest in my life. I have been faced with making some big decisions after closet doors holding long hidden secrets were flung open. I have had to stand when I didn't feel I could,  when my knees felt like jello and my heart was beating like a drum betraying my will to remain calm.

 And I am telling you, it's only through God's power and grace.

My family has come to the final battle in a war we have been fighting for a very long time. It is a war against darkness and destruction. This battle has been a long time coming and I am grateful to be at this place as difficult as it is.

It has been hard having my life laid out for others to see. I have been uncomfortable and vulnerable. I have had moments where all I have wanted to do is find a hiding place. A place where I could conceal my pain and shame.

Someone told me recently in response to these feelings: "To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 I am so tired of living a lie. And it is time to finally walk through this mess instead of around it.

We have a long way to go and I don't have the answers on how exactly it will end but I have faith that whatever the ending it is in God's hands. It may not be what I want or how I want it but I've given it to Him and He knows better than I what needs to take place in order to work it out for good.

"Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer

And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          -Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

 

As I sit here sipping my morning coffee so many thoughts are running through my mind. I've had an emotional weekend, the source of which I can't quite put my finger on. Sometimes darkness creeps up on you and sometimes it hits you like a freight train. This  weekend mine was the latter. Oh, there are small things, I've felt hurt by someone I love and frustrated with cleaning  up another mess but life is just tough sometimes and there are  days I want to skip out on the hard parts. It's so easy to fall into the seduction of distraction on days like that. I mean, who wouldn't want to go shopping instead of dealing with your emotions or write a blog post instead of clean?

I've cried my way through the last 2 days and today it is time to pull on my big girl boots and get back to life. It's time to clean up this apartment, get things in order and keep  moving  forward.

 If  there is one thing I've learned  through life it's that forgiveness and love are choices.  You can choose  to  harbor  hurt  feelings  or  hate  someone  but  it  won't  get  you  anywhere. I may stumble here and there, giving  into  the  hurt  and  frustration  and  spend  almost 2 days crying but I won't stay in that place.

 Yesterday afternoon I was able to spend some much needed time with some very dear  friends, Jessica,  Cheri  and  my  sister-in-law. After having a few moments that I entitled "April fest" which basically included me crying and venting about my struggles and them  comforting,  understanding, advising and sometimes even laughing me through it. Once  again, I am so blessed.

 Today is a new day. Praise God! And I know it's going to be a good one because I can hear my Adalee lying in her bed right now singing "Jesus loves me".  Yes, He does, hunny. And He loves me too!

Of Friends and Teacups

I have spent the last couple of days tea party planning with my sweet Cheri.  It has been hectic, productive, fun, exhausting and so completely worth it. I thrive on being around the people I love and I love that girl.

I've learned through her how to be a bit more patient, to  keep  on doing what I need to do even when it's hard and to smile through my tears. She is a genuinely beautiful person and I'm so blessed to call her my best friend.

One of Cheri's many wonderful traits is her passion for tea which she grew to love through her grandma and  then preceded to pass to yours truly, starting with a cute little tea set she gave me for my bridal shower almost 4  years ago  when I was getting ready to marry her cousin. Now it is our shared pastime and we have been enjoying it immensely the last few days.

During our excursions, we found these beautiful little cups.

They are perfect additions to growing collections and are just begging for use! Next weekend it's happening!

My Story

I sat down this afternoon with a pen, a journal and a hot cup of black chai tea with the sole intent of beginning the first chapter of what I refer to as My Story.  Now, there are many characters in this tale but I'm sure if you asked them thier experience it would vary drastically from mine. No one has experienced it the way I have and that makes it my very own and that's beautiful.  

 But I sat staring at that page long and hard... I sat and I stared. I stared and I sat.  Where do I begin?  How do you begin to tell a story so raw and emotional without it losing  it's feeling? I pondered this for a moment  and realized  I'm scared to write it down. I'm scared of not doing it justice. I want to keep it buried inside where I know it's meaning and depth. It's safe there.

 Maybe I'm just not ready yet.  The wounds have only recently begun to heal and the scabs are still so tender.

 I know I want to write it down one day so my children can see where their mama came from. I want them to know from my own heart what I was thinking and feeling during those dark days. That  my  love for them was a driving force in my eyes  being  opened to the mess we were living in. The mess I had become.  The mess I could not wait one more minute to clean up.

   I want them to know of God's power and love. I want them to know of how I stood at the bottom of that muddy pit, trying with all my might to claw my way out to no avail until I realized there was a rope there all along. And my God was holding the other end, waiting patiently for me to give up trying to do it on my own and let Him help me.

I want my babies to know of hope and joy! The happiness they bring me and how thankful I am to be their mother.

I may not be quite ready to write it all down yet but I will be.

Happy yellow shoes.  What does that mean, anyway?  Well, let me explain.

 Several years back I went on a mission to find a simple, cute pair of flats to wear because I needed an alternative to wearing those adorable heels nearly everyone else wears. Honestly, I love the way a pair of heels look but I am not willing to sacrifice my comfort to wear them, the exception  being very special occasions.

Well, I decided right away that just because I'm not wearing heels doesn't mean my shoes can't stand out.  Oh, and stand out they did!

 The second I saw those sunshine yellow flats, I knew my mission was complete. I bought them and brought them home  with all the excitement of a child. They made me happy.  They lifted my mood.   When I wore them, all throughout the day I would peek down at my feet and smile. Soon,  my friends and co-workers started calling them my happy shoes  and that they were. My happy, yellow shoes.

 I'm sad to say that those shoes disappeared somewhere along the way and I miss them but I have other 'happy shoes'  now.  Many,  really.   The joy of living under God's grace, my children,  laughing with my best friend Cheri, a cup of coffee,  my windows filled with warm sunshine, a good book. They all make me feel the way those shoes did.

 Thus the phrase became the title of my blog because I hope I can share some of those happy shoe moments with you.  After all, what's the fun of happiness if it can't be shared?

Here we go. My very first blog post. I have been putting this off for far too long,  mostly due  to the fact that I am currently typing this from my phone and while it is not convenient, it does the job.  Bear with me.

I woke up alive this morning. Obviously, right?  But I'm talking ALIVE.I jumped out of bed, threw open the windows, brewed some coffee, had a conversation with my 2 year old early bird and I could not stop smiling. I sat for a while by the window, marveling at the feel of the breeze on my skin but it wasn't long before Boy woke up and I turned on music and sang and danced my way around our home  with toddlers in tow. Music, while playing or cleaning or anytime really, is a must  in my mind.  And when there is no music on, I am usually singing. Both were happening in our place this morning.

This moment  in time is a big deal, my friends, as I am not a morning person. I change and feed the kids in a groggy haze but I do not truly function until after I have enjoyed a cup of coffee (yes, I am one of those people). It's a pity,  though, because I love the morning time. I love the crisp, cool air and the sunshine. The newness of another day. I think I need to  enjoy more of them.