"To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 As much as I like to try and stay positive, if I'm being honest, this last week has been tough. Really tough.  Probably one of the toughest in my life. I have been faced with making some big decisions after closet doors holding long hidden secrets were flung open. I have had to stand when I didn't feel I could,  when my knees felt like jello and my heart was beating like a drum betraying my will to remain calm.

 And I am telling you, it's only through God's power and grace.

My family has come to the final battle in a war we have been fighting for a very long time. It is a war against darkness and destruction. This battle has been a long time coming and I am grateful to be at this place as difficult as it is.

It has been hard having my life laid out for others to see. I have been uncomfortable and vulnerable. I have had moments where all I have wanted to do is find a hiding place. A place where I could conceal my pain and shame.

Someone told me recently in response to these feelings: "To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 I am so tired of living a lie. And it is time to finally walk through this mess instead of around it.

We have a long way to go and I don't have the answers on how exactly it will end but I have faith that whatever the ending it is in God's hands. It may not be what I want or how I want it but I've given it to Him and He knows better than I what needs to take place in order to work it out for good.

"Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer

And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          -Before the Morning by Josh Wilson