"To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 As much as I like to try and stay positive, if I'm being honest, this last week has been tough. Really tough.  Probably one of the toughest in my life. I have been faced with making some big decisions after closet doors holding long hidden secrets were flung open. I have had to stand when I didn't feel I could,  when my knees felt like jello and my heart was beating like a drum betraying my will to remain calm.

 And I am telling you, it's only through God's power and grace.

My family has come to the final battle in a war we have been fighting for a very long time. It is a war against darkness and destruction. This battle has been a long time coming and I am grateful to be at this place as difficult as it is.

It has been hard having my life laid out for others to see. I have been uncomfortable and vulnerable. I have had moments where all I have wanted to do is find a hiding place. A place where I could conceal my pain and shame.

Someone told me recently in response to these feelings: "To me, it's not ugly. It's just real."

 I am so tired of living a lie. And it is time to finally walk through this mess instead of around it.

We have a long way to go and I don't have the answers on how exactly it will end but I have faith that whatever the ending it is in God's hands. It may not be what I want or how I want it but I've given it to Him and He knows better than I what needs to take place in order to work it out for good.

"Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer

And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming
Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          -Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

 

As I sit here sipping my morning coffee so many thoughts are running through my mind. I've had an emotional weekend, the source of which I can't quite put my finger on. Sometimes darkness creeps up on you and sometimes it hits you like a freight train. This  weekend mine was the latter. Oh, there are small things, I've felt hurt by someone I love and frustrated with cleaning  up another mess but life is just tough sometimes and there are  days I want to skip out on the hard parts. It's so easy to fall into the seduction of distraction on days like that. I mean, who wouldn't want to go shopping instead of dealing with your emotions or write a blog post instead of clean?

I've cried my way through the last 2 days and today it is time to pull on my big girl boots and get back to life. It's time to clean up this apartment, get things in order and keep  moving  forward.

 If  there is one thing I've learned  through life it's that forgiveness and love are choices.  You can choose  to  harbor  hurt  feelings  or  hate  someone  but  it  won't  get  you  anywhere. I may stumble here and there, giving  into  the  hurt  and  frustration  and  spend  almost 2 days crying but I won't stay in that place.

 Yesterday afternoon I was able to spend some much needed time with some very dear  friends, Jessica,  Cheri  and  my  sister-in-law. After having a few moments that I entitled "April fest" which basically included me crying and venting about my struggles and them  comforting,  understanding, advising and sometimes even laughing me through it. Once  again, I am so blessed.

 Today is a new day. Praise God! And I know it's going to be a good one because I can hear my Adalee lying in her bed right now singing "Jesus loves me".  Yes, He does, hunny. And He loves me too!

Of Friends and Teacups

I have spent the last couple of days tea party planning with my sweet Cheri.  It has been hectic, productive, fun, exhausting and so completely worth it. I thrive on being around the people I love and I love that girl.

I've learned through her how to be a bit more patient, to  keep  on doing what I need to do even when it's hard and to smile through my tears. She is a genuinely beautiful person and I'm so blessed to call her my best friend.

One of Cheri's many wonderful traits is her passion for tea which she grew to love through her grandma and  then preceded to pass to yours truly, starting with a cute little tea set she gave me for my bridal shower almost 4  years ago  when I was getting ready to marry her cousin. Now it is our shared pastime and we have been enjoying it immensely the last few days.

During our excursions, we found these beautiful little cups.

They are perfect additions to growing collections and are just begging for use! Next weekend it's happening!

My Story

I sat down this afternoon with a pen, a journal and a hot cup of black chai tea with the sole intent of beginning the first chapter of what I refer to as My Story.  Now, there are many characters in this tale but I'm sure if you asked them thier experience it would vary drastically from mine. No one has experienced it the way I have and that makes it my very own and that's beautiful.  

 But I sat staring at that page long and hard... I sat and I stared. I stared and I sat.  Where do I begin?  How do you begin to tell a story so raw and emotional without it losing  it's feeling? I pondered this for a moment  and realized  I'm scared to write it down. I'm scared of not doing it justice. I want to keep it buried inside where I know it's meaning and depth. It's safe there.

 Maybe I'm just not ready yet.  The wounds have only recently begun to heal and the scabs are still so tender.

 I know I want to write it down one day so my children can see where their mama came from. I want them to know from my own heart what I was thinking and feeling during those dark days. That  my  love for them was a driving force in my eyes  being  opened to the mess we were living in. The mess I had become.  The mess I could not wait one more minute to clean up.

   I want them to know of God's power and love. I want them to know of how I stood at the bottom of that muddy pit, trying with all my might to claw my way out to no avail until I realized there was a rope there all along. And my God was holding the other end, waiting patiently for me to give up trying to do it on my own and let Him help me.

I want my babies to know of hope and joy! The happiness they bring me and how thankful I am to be their mother.

I may not be quite ready to write it all down yet but I will be.